How do you say goodbye forever?
Back in April, my dad was diagnosed with stage four cancer. I took a break off from blogging and went to spend some time with him and the rest of my family, since they live on the other side of the country.
We’re not close, so when my sister told me he wasn’t doing well…I had to swallow my pride and call him…to say goodbye.
Although brief, it was probably the hardest phone call I’ve ever made. I’ve been a crying mess for the last couple of days, so please excuse me if things aren’t done on time or emails aren’t answered. There are a couple of books that I simply couldn’t read because a character reminded me of him.
I feel a lot better today, because yesterday I spent the entire day mindlessly playing the Sims 3 and as a result tried to keep myself from opening the wallet and ordering the latest two expansions. The Sims 4 comes out in 6-12 months, so I assume that prices will drop dramatically if I wait. I only play the Sims 3 when I need a break from life. It’s nice living and controlling someone else’s life.
But anyway, I’m in a confusion of emotions right now. If we were close, like my sister and dad were, then people would be more forgiving about how messed up I feel. But anyone that has experienced a loss I guess knows that distance doesn’t matter when it comes to feelings and guilt and regret.
I’m not sure if my emotions have receded or if I’m numb, but I think I’ve convinced myself not to have regrets. If I had chosen to stay close with my dad, then I wouldn’t have met my husband and I wouldn’t have my beautiful boy. For all the regrets in the world, I wouldn’t give up my kid.
As far as blogging, I don’t know what to expect. I’m dreading that phone call that can come any day. I’m trying to fend off my mom’s attempts to talk through the situation. I haven’t gone out in public in a few days. I guess we all grieve in our own ways and the point of this post I guess is that I’m happy that I at least got to see him, my kid got to meet him, and that I got to say goodbye.