Five Star Review: Why I don’t review erotica

Posted by Lizzy on Feb 10, 2013 in five star review | 7 comments

So what is 5 star review?  Well, this is where, as a reviewer, I let you know what makes me rate your book 5 stars – or not.  This week topic: Erotica.

Please note that some things that turn me off to your book as a reader/reviewer turn others on and vice versa.

EDIT:  I reread this post and I hope that any erotica lovers don’t think of me as a hater.  I have become fond of erotica as a reader.  This post was written because I can’t figure out how to slap a rating on erotic books.

Erotic: Why I don’t review this genre

*Warning – Explicit sexual language.*

As you might of noticed, I don’t review erotica unless it is a cross genre book.  Unlike all the other genres that I refuse to review, it’s not because I don’t read it.  I just don’t know how to review it.

The Sex Scenes

What does every erotic book have in common?  The sex scenes.  As a reviewer, I’m not quite sure how to rate the sex scenes in a way that would be helpful to potential buyers.

Add Points For: 

1. ___  Amount of orgasms from reading
2. ___ Orgasms per scene
3. ___ Quality of orgasms (from “meh” to “my husband is jealous”)
4. ___ Number of sex positions used
5. ___ Unique sex positions
6. ___ Number of partners
7. ___ Number of partners at one time
8. ___ Phrases that make me cream with every utterance

Subtract Points For:

1. ___ Repeated sex positions
2. ___ Lack of foreplay
3. ___ Talk that doesn’t belong in the bedroom

My Review:  “Man, her parts must be sore after that train!  I’ve never seen that many dicks heading in the same direction.”  

“He went in.  He went out.  He had as much flair as my ex boyfriend.  If I was a guy, I could use my dick as a pillow after reading that sex scene.”

Plot

I’m not sure if some of these books have a plot.  Would adding another person to the sex mid scene be considered a plot twist?  I’m guessing that the only way to add a cliff hanger to the story would to give the male ‘blue balls’.  Although, perhaps one of the partners is masked and the main character must discover the identity of the masked partner.

My review:  “Man, I sure didn’t see that second dick ‘cumming’ and neither did our heroine.”

Character Development

There doesn’t seem to be much character development in erotica.  There’s a brief introduction where the main character is introduced as being either a virgin or recently divorced.  By the end of the book. she’s either submissive (BDSM) or confident in her fucking or sucking abilities.

My review:  “Our heroine begins the novel as a shy virgin and emerges as the best dick sucker in her entire town.  It’s refreshing to see a character with as much confidence as she has by the end.”

Out of the Closet

I think the main reason I don’t review erotica is because I’m not comfortable revealing what I like and what I don’t like to the public.  I’m content to have only one person know my secret spots.

And, my choice of erotica isn’t mainstream.  I’m not happy with a typical love story.  I like the taboo.  And, sometimes I like what my husband can’t offer.

My review:  “I was surprised to see my favorite position used.  My, my, the heroine must be flexible!”

Amazon TOS

One more thing.  How do you write a review for this genre without including any sexual terms?  It seems that even if I allude to sexual terms, my review gets rejected from Amazon.  I’ve had two reviews rejected so far because I went into too much detail about the sex scenes.

So, to those who do review erotica, here’s my question:  What elements do you base your review and rating on?